Choices & Limit Setting - How to Increase Cooperation
When raising kids, it can feel like the power struggle is never ending. Here are some tips and tricks to stop the power struggle by opting for a choice. This is a longer one, so stay with me!
What is the purpose of choices?
Choices have a powerful impact on the relationship between adult and child. Choice prevents threatening the relationship or giving ultimatums, which undermines the relationship and creates a power struggle. The child who is constantly grabbing for power and control, may feel they do not have it.
Opting for choices can give children a sense of power and control over their experience, thereby increasing cooperation. Plus, getting buy-in to the decision making process and consequences helps foster self-responsibility, ownership, and accountability in the child.
Something to keep in mind is smaller choices for smaller kids and bigger choices for bigger kids. Be sure to give choices you are comfortable with and can follow through on consequences. It may not be a choice whether the child does their homework or eats their vegetables. But, they might be able to decide when they do their homework or what vegetables they are eating.
Appropriate consequences must be connected to the choice and followed through on. Giving consequences like “you are grounded for life” or “no TV for a month” might not be enforceable. This will undermine the cause-and-effect relationship between actions and consequences and communicate to the child that the consequences of their actions are not serious.
You will notice below that I have intentionally bolded the word “choose.” This word is the most important part of the script. This is the word that communicates that the child has power and control over their life. Even when you are the one setting parameters for the child to operate within.
How do you give choices?
Script: “You can choose X or you can choose Y.”
Example: You can choose to do your homework at the dinner table or you can choose to do your homework at your desk.
Script: “If you choose X, then you choose Y (positive consequence). If you choose X, then you choose Y (negative consequence).”
Example: If you choose to do your homework when you get home from school, then you choose to watch TV after dinner. If you choose to not do your homework right after school, then you choose to not watch TV after dinner.
Example: If you choose to complete all your homework, you choose to ride your e-bike this weekend. If you choose to have missing assignments, you choose to give up e-bike this weekend.
What happens when you are responding to a child’s misbehavior? Let’s take a look at setting limits and providing alternatives.
How do you set a limit?
Step 1) Reflect feeling, desire, or wish.
Step 2) Set limit.
Step 3) Choice of appropriate behaviors.
Script: “Reflect feeling. A is not for B. C is for B. Alternative choice.”
Example: You are angry (step 1). People are not for hitting. Balls are for hitting (step 2). You can choose to hit the volleyball or you can choose to hit the handball (step 3).
What happens when limits are continually ignored or disregarded? Here comes the ultimate limit.
What’s an ultimate limit?
Script: If you choose X, then you choose Y.
Example: If you choose to throw the ball at your sister, then you choose to not have the ball for today.
Example: If you choose to not be home by curfew, then you choose to not have the car for the weekend.
Now let’s take a look at how to respond when your child is upset with the limits or consequences.
What happens if my child gets upset?
So whatever your child decides, they experience the consequences (good or bad) of their decision.
Best case scenario, the initial buy in from your child will increase cooperation and they will follow through with their choice. But like many of us, it takes some time to get used to a new system and policy.
It is also a likely scenario they will push back or get upset with the negative consequences of their decision. When this happens, fall back on their choice.
Script: “I know you wanted to ride around with your friends this weekend, but when you chose to not turn in all your homework, you chose no e-bike this weekend. Next week, you can make a choice to keep your e-bike.”
Emphasizing their role in their experience empowers them to make decisions that align with what they want. Plus, it takes the heat off you. Give it a try and be patient!
If you have any questions, please feel encouraged to reach out at christina@christinakingfamilytherapy.com.
Yours In Service,
Christina King, LMFT 145704